Hmm…would I rather date? Or clean toilets?

Darling,

The world of relationships is never easy to navigate. Every time a woman puts on her lip gloss and heels and hits a bar, a club, a restaurant, a library, an online dating site—with the hope of having a fun encounter with a new guy—she is taking a huge crazy risk with her sense of well-being. Guys (and girls) are wonderful. Dating is wonderful. But one disappointing move and our sense of self-esteem can evaporate and be replaced by a creeping sense of hopelessness. Sister Goddess Samantha takes us into the frustrating heart of the matter, as she waits for Mr. Right.

Hi Mama!
I want to find that ultimate, satisfying relationship, but I don’t know sometimes which route to take. I was seeing a guy 15 years younger than me (I’m 40), and we really hit it off in many ways, but he didn’t want a relationship and I did, so I ended things amicably with him. He still keeps in touch from time to time, and I’m so tempted to see him, but I don’t want to put myself through pain either. So much of my life I’ve spent waiting for Mr. Right, and I’m tired of waiting.
Samantha

Dear Samantha,

Thanks, Sister.
I loves me some good gritty man-training questions.
As a single woman, I have been dealing with all kinds of dating issues myself, as are thousands upon thousands of women in our community.
And first off, I really want to congratulate you on saying ‘yes’ to the adventure of dating a guy who is much, much younger. That takes a lot of ovaries! Why? Well, it presses a woman up against all those issues that we confront—are we sexy enough, beautiful enough, hot enough, to hold the interest of a guy that we might have babysat when we were a teen?!
Dating is wrought. And fraught. And sometimes—as your question reveals—it even feels all for naught.
In fact, some Sister Goddesses have confessed to me that they would rather stay home and clean the toilet than re-enter the world of dating.
And that’s what I want to speak into, today, with you.

Dating has changed as rapidly as technology over these last 20 years.
And you gotta remember, 20 years ago, there was no internet. Now we do not take an action without first reaching for our smartphones and computers.
Crazy, huh?
Dating has changed that much.
Dating is a little bit like the Wild West before the West was won. Thar’s gold in them there hills, but you have to do a lot of digging and sifting through sand to find the juicy nuggets.
Why?
Well, think about it.
Our culture taught us that dating was a destination.
Theoretically, you would find a guy, meet him, and then, he would become your boyfriend or you would marry your Mr. (or Mrs.) Right.
We were all marching to the same so-called happy ending.
But now, the world of dating and the options have exploded.
You don’t have to have a boyfriend to have a good sex life. You can have a lover, or many lovers, or a string of hook-ups.
Many women choose to have children on their own, without a husband or partner.
Men and women can have a successful life without ever getting married.
And, 20 years ago, being a ‘cougar’ was not really a choice many women made. Now, it is commonplace.
And yes, people still do fall in love and choose one another—but the pathways to partnership are more varied than they were.

So where does that leave us?
We can either feel like the luckiest guest at a banquet table of options…
Or we can feel kinda confused and displaced and wondering what path to follow and why things are not working according to our plan.
Here is my suggestion to you: choose to feel like the luckiest guest.
And decide that you have had a brilliant round of exploration and fun, as you have sampled all kinds of goodies on the banquet table, including your young man.
Every woman can get everything she wants—and more—from the world of dating.
We have more options than ever before.
But right now, you are feeling hurt and disappointed. And frustrated.
You want to be there and you are here instead.
Hurt, disappointment and frustration are natural and righteous after a breakup, but they are not exactly compelling or attractive to the next guy you might date.
In the School of Womanly Arts Mastery Program, we spend a whole weekend teaching a woman how to process her grief, her sadness, her ruptures and her disappointments so that her past doesn’t bleed into her future. This is really important stuff when a woman is in the process of creating her most deeply held desires!
And a perspective that I want you to consider is this: the young man you were with was the perfect guy, the perfect experience, and the perfect person to love, before you find your own Mr. Right, who is out there, on his way to you, and will appear at exactly the right time, in exactly the right place, as long as you make the investment.
And what is the investment in yourself?
The investment in yourself is to make sure that you are feeling hot, fun, fabulous and full of possibility, rather than disappointment, before you start dating again.
The Womanly Arts are your asset in this internal reconstruction. Here are a few exercises from my first book, Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, that will aid you on your internal transformation.

1. Read the introduction in that book and learn to find the perfection in your experiences, right here, right now. You can read it here: http://www.mamagenas.com/wp3/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/school-of-womanly-arts-introduction1.pdf

2. Do the “Spring Cleaning” exercise in Chapter Two to have a chance to clean up your feelings of hurt and disappointment. You can read more about spring cleaning here: kriscarr.com/blog/clearing-the-clutter-in-your-mind/

3. Make a Desire List of everything you desire in your next relationship. You can’t create it if you can’t imagine it. What kind of man do you want? What kind of experiences do you want to have with him? Be specific.

It is the responsibility of every Sister Goddess to find a way to digest every drop of her experiences with men—and honor every relationship she has attracted and experienced—so she can bring the best of herself into her next adventure.

Have you ever felt the way Samantha felt?
Have you ever lost your way as you were looking for Mr. Right?
Leave your tips of the Womanly Arts and Tools that you have used when you have been in Samantha’s spot, in the comments section below.
Tell us how you’ve used the Arts and Tools to move through a breakup and prepare yourself to receive your next love.

And if you know a woman who’s waiting around for Mr. Right, please share this blog.

With so much love and pleasure,
Mama Gena

P.S. For a master’s degree in the world of relationships, check out the Womanly Arts Mastery Program.

P.P.S. Got more questions for me on this (or any) topic? Tell me about it here: . The more specific you are, the more I will love your Q.

P.P.P.S Save the date! If you’re new to the Womanly Arts, join me on Saturday, January 26th for a LIVE introduction to the Pleasure Revolution

This event already happened. Check out The Experience.

photo: lizlinder.com

EXPLORE THESE AREAS:

Mama Gena’s

Five-day Self-love
Mini-course

A free journey to awakening your most confident, radiant self.

Take the School of Womanly Arts free Five-day Self-love Mini-course and learn 5 specific daily practices you can use (and Mama Gena uses herself) to shift the reality of your everyday life … even with a demanding career, while raising kids, or when you’re incredibly busy.

UP