I have to admit.
While I am loving, and sexy, and brilliant, and funny…sometimes, I can be a castrating bitch* to the man I love.
(*Castrating bitch: a woman who can become relentlessly and subversively mean/nasty to her partner, disapproving of him (or her) for not ever getting it ‘right’. Meanwhile, said partner is clueless as to how he/she is failing.)
We are all a product of being raised in a culture where we were never encouraged to ask for what we want. In fact, we were taught that the most important thing was what other people (family, boss, partner) wanted from us.
Old habits die hard, as they say.
And I have picked up a fantastic set of castration tools from my mother, grandmother, neighbors, and the lineage of women who raised me.
How does this look?
Well, the love of my life, the man I adore, Peter, might just forget to book my flight as we plan to head off to LA. He might give me the wrong time for an appointment. Or the wrong day. And instead of speaking up and going direct, I might play a quiet game of disapproval from my side – brooding in response to his dropping the ball.
This is the worst kind of fighting.
Not the loud, clear-the-air, yelling in the kitchen kind of fighting.
But the kind where you bite your tongue and let the tension boil over.
On this particular day, I was raging quietly at his insufficiencies.
He was avoiding me like I was a poison fume.
And both of us were stuck in a legacy of disapproval (that passed for communication) – handed down from our parents, and grandparents, and a wider culture that devalues the feminine and blinds our men.
We were stuck. My constant complaint was that he was dropping the ball. His constant complaint was that he felt like he couldn’t do anything right. So unsexy. No matter what he did, he was met with my disapproval.
It was time for me to go back to basics.
I did what I always do when I get stuck.
I opened the pink bible, my first book, Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts.
In this book, I lay the groundwork for how a woman can use the power of pleasure to have her way with the world.
I flipped to the “Owning and Operating” chapter.
I read the sentence: “Put that bitch back in her cage, where she belongs…”
And laughed out loud.
I realized I was at the crossroads of anger and pleasure.
Both roads were available, and the choice was mine – I could climb off my high and mighty bitch throne any time I wanted.
And I was like, OMG Mama Gena is a genius! I have gone seriously astray.
So I followed my own advice to the letter. First stop: my pleasure.
I grabbed a good book, filled up the tub, found my salt scrub, lit a dozen candles, played flamenco music, soaked, and read.
Then I called a girlfriend and did another exercise from MG’s book called ‘Spring Cleaning’*.
(*Spring cleaning is a practice that we will learn in VPBC, but for those of you who want to get started right away, turn to page 51 in Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts and you will find a phenomenal way to deal with overwhelming emotions.)
In a two-step process, I managed to pick up my castrating inner bitch, pamper her, and use a tool from the pink bible to empty her rage.
I found my way back to myself.
From there, I could easily talk to Peter about what was up, tell him how I felt, and then ask for what I wanted, without once making him feel attacked. We ended up laughing at ourselves, apologizing to each other, and having a sweet, sexy reconnection.
It was such a relief to have the Tools and Arts at my fingertips, and a girlfriend to practice them with.
To all my castrating bitches out there, I have good news. Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp, my signature 8-week course designed to help you integrate the Womanly Arts into your life, is here to help you to press the reset button on your relationships, and turn your pain into a game that leads you back to pleasure.
With so much love and pleasure,
P.S. Ready to feel tuned in and turned on? Our foundational course to The Womanly Arts, Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp, will give you the tools you need to come alive and experience the pleasure that is your birthright.
P.P.S. Follow Mama Gena on Instagram (@MamaGena) to see the latest and greatest!
Regena is a feminist icon, a teacher, a speaker, a mother, a best-selling author, and creatrix and CEO of The School of Womanly Arts.